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An Excruciating Pain in the Butt (Literally)

Updated: Jan 25

Trigger Warning (Graphic Content)

My asshole will never be the same. I've had one major and 6 minor corrective surgeries on my butthole in an effort to 1) get it properly tucked back and to 2) get it looking more "normal." And let me tell you, no pain... NO PAIN, could possibly be worse than the pain that I experienced as a result. The story is gruesome. You still have the opportunity to leave before never being able to look at me the same way again.

In pregnancy, I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) (See my last post) and, as is required in many cases of HG, I had to go on an antiemetic (medicine that keeps you from puking) so as to provide nutrition to the baby.

On a side, it was an antiemetic or It was that or a PICC line. I was personally terrified of the PICC line risks and maintenance. In retrospect, I most certainly should have gone with the PICC line.

Anyway, many antiemetics, including mine, cause severe constipation. I'm not talking about having to strain to poop. I mean, the poop is stubbornly lodged at the base of your colon, pounding on that chocolate starfish, begging for release, inducing hot flashes and sweating, involuntarily curling your toes and causing you to angrily grip the toilet seat as you push as if you're birthing a baby for hours, yet NOTHING exits the facility. When I say severe constipation, I mean, the poop WILL NOT come out without enemas, gloved digital manipulation, and lube suppositories. Severe constipation is a total nightmare of what should be a somewhat pleasurable daily event. It is a dreaded, terrifying, painful, forced weekly ritual that strips you of all dignity and eventually leads you to be so stripped that you write about your butthole in a public blog.

Months of HG led to months of severe constipation, which eventually landed me in a proctologist's office inquiring why I had a significant bulging and terribly sore red bloody protrusion sticking out of my peach. I was informed that severe constipation, as I'm sure you could imagine, increases the risk of hemorrhoids or even rectal prolapse (I dare you to look up an image). "You, my dear, have both."

I was 6 months pregnant, so surgery wasn't ideal. However, neither was the risk of significantly worsening my predicament as the baby grew and placed additional pressure on my colon and rectum. So, I went for it.

For three days prior to the surgery, I was on a liquid diet to assure a clean colon and proper recovery. I wasn't surprised during this prep that very very little was expelled, considering my hyperemesis gravidarum and inability to keep foods down.

The actual procedure wasn't remarkable. I had been given a spinal block and remained wide awake and unsedated. I felt nothing aside from slight pressure. Occasionally I smelled burning flesh from the cauterizations but there was no other discomfort. I was sent home a mere hour after the procedure and was given a little butt donut and numbing cream to ease any discomfort after the local anesthetic wore off. I was good to go...

...that was until the 3-day liquid diet kicked in about an hour after returning home. I had erroneously assumed that my intestines were cleared due to lack of nutritional intake (thanks, HG). I hadn't accounted for the sloughing of intestinal cells and the morsels of food that had in fact been digested over the many months that my body refused to eliminate wastes. I hadn't considered that for months my large intestine was slowly packed full from base to tip as the weeks upon weeks of severe constipation persisted. And what goes in must inevitably come out.

My first post-operative elimination was painless, as the local anesthesia was still in effect. I simply felt the need for relief and effortlessly dropped off a sizeable plug of debris.

I was concerned to see blood in the water but the on-call doctor explained that a small amount was to be expected and that blood in water appears to be much more than what is actually present.

Eliminations number 2 and 3 were slightly more concerning as they prompted actual dripping of blood into the water below. I also was starting to feel a sharp and seering pain around the rim and an emerging fear that there was so much more to come.

The number of bowel movements that followed became laughably unbelievable. It wasn't feasible that my body could have stored so much over time and was even more inconceivable that it would be dislodged AFTER a major rectal rehaul. I couldn't fathom the type of karma that landed me in the predicament of relieving a literal meter of fecal matter (if not more) through a recently sutured and soldered opening. Moreover, with all the blood I was now seeing, I knew that I was now ripping at sutures and tearing my fresh wound.

The pain was unimaginable and indescribable. I can say with confidence that there is no greater pain. It may very well match an unmedicated childbirth, passing a large kidney stone, a bite from a few bullet ants, burns etc. But, you will NEVER convince me that what I experienced was less than a 10 on the pain scale. It swiftly landed me in the ER and soon after in the labor and delivery ward where I writhed for 5 days in the most terrible pain I had ever and hopefully will ever experience in my life. It was pure epic torture that necessitated the resuturing of my raw anus and that changed my appreciation for non-pregnant effortless pooping.

Have I mentioned that pregnant women are superheroes?

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